


Membership Has Its Privileges

by thequidditchpitch_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Comedy, Erotica, M/M, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Slash, The Quidditch Pitch: The Changing Room
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-03-05
Updated: 2006-03-05
Packaged: 2018-10-26 15:48:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10789743
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thequidditchpitch_archivist/pseuds/thequidditchpitch_archivist
Summary: Remus wonders why Severus joined the Order, and the answer shocks Remus.





	Membership Has Its Privileges

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Annie, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Quidditch Pitch](http://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Quidditch_Pitch), which went offline in 2015 when the hosting expired, at a time I was not able to renew it. I contacted Open Doors, hoping to preserve the archive using an old backup, and began importing these works as an Open Doors-approved project in April 2017. Open Doors e-mailed all authors about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact us using the e-mail address on [The Quidditch Pitch collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/thequidditchpitch/profile).

  
Author's notes:

This is all carvedwood's fault _yet again_ for encouraging me, and Sailor Jerry rum played a role as well. CW and I were chatting one night, I was hammered on Sailor Jerry, and somehow this plot bunny just came knocking...

Written early July 2005, non-HBP compliant

Lube: 5 Sickles an ounce.  
Wand: 7 galleons.  
Screwing the order while screwing _over_ the Dark Lord: Priceless.

* * *

Remus Lupin sat up, took a long drag off of his cigarette, and threw his head back to exhale.

“So, Severus, I’ve always wondered... why _did_ you join the Order?”

“The sex.”

Remus choked on his last drag, and could barely cough out, “The _sex_? But I heard the Death Eaters –”

“Not true – just rumors spread by those awful prudes at the Ministry of Magic. Lucius Malfoy is impotent, he couldn’t get it up anymore after watching Narcissa give birth to little Draco.” Snape snatched the cigarette out of Remus’ hand, took a drag himself, and stubbed it out in the ashtray next to the bed. “What a nasty habit, Lupin,” he said with a smirk. He rolled over between Remus’ spread legs, rubbing against his groin until he felt Remus’ prick growing hard again. “Same thing with Macnair – why do you think he’s so bloodthirsty? Dark Revels, my arse! Not a one of them can get it up anymore.”

Remus’ face went from arousal to shock. “All that about raping Muggles and the sacrifice of virgins is just a bunch of bollocks? You mean –”

“Oh, virgins were sacrificed, but with their virginity intact – none of the Death Eaters can sustain an erection long enough to rape them.” Snape licked his way down Remus’ torso until he had a mouth full of hardening cock.

“What really happens, then?”

“Hmph. Tea and cakes, with a side of _Crucio_ when the Dark Lord was particularly displeased with one of us. Quite dull, actually. That’s how I was able to bring young Mr. Malfoy over to our side – horny little prat, that one. All I needed to do was let it slip a few times that Potter was gagging for it, and would most likely suck him off the minute Draco expressed an interest in joining Dumbledore... and that was all it took.” Snape went back to sucking at Remus’ cock and balls, bringing him back to full hardness again.

“Harry? Harry and _Draco Malfoy_?”

“Well, I had no more use for the boy, he always fussed too much if I made a mess of his hair.”

“ _You_ and Draco Malfoy?”

_Would Lupin never shut it?_ “He is rather attractive, but a poor substitute for his father... before his impotence, that is.” Snape redoubled his efforts, swallowing down Remus’ prick and stroking his balls and arse.

“You and _Lucius Malfoy_?”

“It’s not as if I had a lot of options when I was in school – your ‘friends’ helped to see to _that_. And _you_ were busy with that mangy mutt, Black...”

“Leave Sirius out of this, please.”

_Ah, perhaps now Lupin would stop talking... no, he couldn’t be_ that _lucky._

“So, Dark Revels were really just tea parties? Sipping tea and discussing ways to kill Harry? And none of the Death Eaters can have sex, because they are all impotent?” Remus looked puzzled.

“Exactly. Why do you think they hate Potter so much? It’s not just the prophecy, it’s his virility – they know he’s fucked his way through most of the Order members, present company included –”

Remus blushed a lovely shade of crimson. “But...”

“Everyone forgets a silencing charm at least once, Lupin. Or – are you surprised that the boy would allow his ‘greasy potions master’ to suck him off?”

“Oh! But I thought... he and Ron and Hermione – ”

This just wouldn’t do. There was no possible way to suck cock and keep talking, he’d have to have Remus fuck him if the man was so insistent on continuing a conversation with him. Snape snaked back up to straddle Remus, grabbing a fresh vial of lubricant potion off the bedside table. “And Tonks, Shacklebolt, Jones, Vance, most of the Weasleys...” He slicked Remus’ swollen prick before setting himself down upon it, his hole still relaxed from their earlier escapades. “In fact, I believe he’s with the Weasley girl and Moody right now– ”

“No! Not Mad Eye! And _Ginny_?”

“Oh, yes...” He braced his hands on Remus’ shoulders and began slowly rising and falling back, the push of Remus’ hard cock inside him making him moan. “He has found some interesting uses for that wooden leg of his...”

“NO!”

“Caught him, Molly and Arthur at it one time... Quite the show, that was...”

“Wha– _oh_ , Severus...” Remus moaned as Snape rocked all the way up, his prick re-entering Snape’s tight hole as he sank down to the base of his cock. He began panting as Snape clenched around him.

“Molly needs a bit more than Arthur can give her sometimes, seven children and all...”

“Uhnnngh...”

“I might have stayed to watch longer if Dumbledore –”

“Albus?!?”

“Yes, the Headmaster is a voyeur – that surprises you?”

“I – uh – suppose not – kinky old bastard...”

Snape picked up the pace until Remus was trembling under him, roughly grabbing Snape’s hips and biting his lower lip.

“Severus – so – close!”

“Mmm. Yes, come for me, Lupin,” Snape hissed in his ear. “Then we can go see if we can have Potter to ourselves...” Snape smirked at him mischievously.

“Anyone in here?” Tonks came stumbling into the room with the Weasley twins in tow. “Ah, sorry... didn’t know anyone was in here, Remus... _Snape_?!?”

“What do you want, _Nymphadora_?” Snape stressed her given name, just to irritate her, while Remus tried to pull the bedding up around them in a futile effort to preserve their modesty.

Tonks blushed an even darker shade than Lupin had earlier. She opened her mouth to speak, but couldn’t get any words out and just gasped.

“We were just looking for an empty room...” said Fred.

“...but it looks as if you two are already busy in here,” said George with a grin.

“Give us a moment, would you? Then you can have the room to yourselves. We need to find Potter, Lupin has something for him,” Snape said.

Lupin moaned and covered his face in his hands. Tonks turned to leave and tripped on the rug as she hurried into the hall.

“Oh, Harry?” Fred leered.

“We think he’s in the shower, our sister gave him a real workout...” said George.

“...you might catch him still in there. You’d best hurry, Bill will be back from Gringott’s soon and I think he had plans for Harry this evening.” Fred warned.

“Thank you, Fred, George, now would you please give us a bit of _privacy_?” Remus’ voice was muffled, his hands still covering his face.

“Anything for you, Remus,” Fred said.

“And we do mean _anything_ ,” said George, “Come see us when you tire of the greasy git.”

“GET OUT!” Snape yelled, grabbing for his wand.

“All right, we’re going...” Fred said as he started to leave.

“Slytherins – always so cranky,” said George, taking his brother’s arm.

“Ah, but Draco’s not so bad...” Fred said.

“...once you shut him up with a cock in his mouth,” George laughed as he shut the door.

“Hurry _up_ , Lupin! I’d rather not share Potter with Bill Weasley.”

Remus groaned as he stood, and let Snape cast a quick cleansing charm on him. “But, I’m not _done_ ,” he whined, as he waved his hands at his erect prick.

“Later, Lupin. Just think how good it will feel to come in Potter’s arse while I fuck his mouth.”

Remus moaned at the mental image as he pulled his robes on, and almost knocked Snape over in his haste to get down the hall to Harry.


End file.
